The One-Hour Glucose Tolerance Test: A Review

So today I had my one hour glucose tolerance test, a.k.a, the gestational diabetes test. I hear nightmares all the time about this test. The nasty thick flat orange soda type drink you have to drink all of. And if you throw up, you have to drink it all over again. Then, the vampire-like blood draw one hour later. The whole thing sounds like some sort of fraternity-like drinking initiation. Only for pregnant women, and not 18 year old college boys.

Oh, and if you should fail, an even greater trial awaits you. The Three-Hour Glucose Tolerance Test! Involving more sugar saturated orange soda type drink and more frequent vampire-like blood draws. Yeah, and remain seated at all times while the test is being conducted. As always, if you should vomit at any point within the three hours you get the pleasure of starting all over again. Sort of like the pregnant SAT's.

My instructions for the test:
1- eat a protein-full, low carb breakfast
2- arrive at birthing center promptly at 11am
3- drink, pledge, drink
4- watch the video thoughtfully provided for you by the center
5- after the timer goes off, we take your blood (insert evil laugh here)
6- we send you home to sweat for 24 hours until you get a call

Now, what exactly is a carb loving woman like myself supposed to eat for breakfast that is protein? Since getting knocked up eggs just don't taste like they used to. So this week at the store I bought the only other protein-full thing I could think of. Bacon. Yes, I had bacon and ice water for breakfast. Hopefully the test didn't include a cholesterol check.

Before arriving at the birthing center I remembered I had heard a rumor many weeks ago about alternatives to the nasty orange stuff. I briefly debated going the Total Pregnancy Experience route and just drinking the goo but then I thought "Nah, I'm having a natural birth, I'll take the easy way out on this." So I called. Yes! The voice on the other end of the line tells me. "10 oz of 100% concord grape juice is equal to one Nasty Orange Drink."

I arrive at the center promptly at 11, drink in hand. I show the nice blond lady my drink and she tells me to start drinking and tell her when I'm finished. I finish at 11:05. I knew my binge drinking days would come in handy! :)

Then, after producing my empty bottle, I get to watch The Video. Some 1970's/1980's documentary on birthing centers. Featuring nudity. And hippies. Seriously, one woman had pit hair. Another was completely naked giving birth, with her 7-8 year old son in the room. I'm sorry, I love S and all but he has requested repeatedly to not be in the room when I give birth and I agree with him. And yes, for the record, I am aware that I have to be mostly naked when I give birth. I'm just saying I'm not going to agree to be in a documentary in all my mostly-naked glory.

So the timer goes off and I get called back for the blood letting. And I must say, I am in love with this woman. One stick (which I barely felt) and she was done! Seriously, if it doesn't work out with E, I'm totally going to marry this woman.

Now I sit here, awaiting the results, thinking of all the things I might have to give up if I have the gestational diabetes. Mainly: Pumpkin pie, sweet potato casserole, Halloween candy, oh, and my birthing center. Yes, they transfer you to a doctor because the diabetes makes you high risk. :(

On the plus side I got to hear the heartbeat! As many times as I've heard that sound, it never seems to get old. I also learned that she is head down (stay, baby, stay!), my weight and blood pressure are on target, and all about the joys of perineal massage (don't ask).