Breastfeeding FAIL

This may be the most honest blog I've ever written in a negative way. I've been honest before, in a fun way (post-partum pee) and in a loving way (letter to the kids). This is what they call the ugly truth.

I failed at breastfeeding. And I still feel guilty.

I know I shouldn't. I know that the best nourishment for babies is love and that Audrey has that in spades. I know she is happy, healthy, thriving, and developmentally on target. That should be all that matters. But it doesn't. The fact that I failed at nursing for no other reason than my own sanity eats at me.

See, I'm what's known as a feeder. That's how I show people I love them. Nothing makes me happier than having friends and family over and "putting on the pig." I love looking through my recipe book the weeks that we have S and picking out something that I know he loves. So I naturally saw nursing as an extension of that (and making my own baby food but another topic, another time).

I was convinced that I would breastfeed. For at least a year. On the outside I would try to be non-committal and say things like "Oh, we'll try." I read books. I knew when and where the LLL Nazis met. I was prepared to take the breastfeeding class. I bought an uber expensive pump for when I went back to work.

So one of the goals of the hippie birthing center was to successfully establish nursing ASAP after birth. Audrey and I took a warm herbal bath together where we nursed for the first time. OMG that shizz hurts! I mean, they tell you it hurts but no it HURTS! I was convinced that she had latched on improperly, so I had the student midwife check. Nope. Proper latch.

So we went home. And it still hurt. To the point where I cringed when she was hungry. Naturally, we got ourselves a lactation consultant. She helped somewhat and was extremely encouraging but nothing could get me over the fact that it hurt so damn much.

***TMI TIME***
My nipples were black with scabs. Not pretty. Not pretty at all.
****END TMI***

So four days post-partum I decide I've had enough. I pump. Before my milk came in. For the uneducated, babies drink colostrum for the first few days. They don't need a whole bunch of it and consequently when you pump you don't get a whole lot. I got 1.5oz from both sides. After 45 minutes. Which Audrey promptly drank in two swallows and wanted more. I lost it. I started crying. My husband, not wanting to have a crying wife and a crying newborn, made an executive decision.

"I will make her a bottle with some formula!"

SNIFF SNIFF "ok" SNIFF SOB

Save for one lone pumping session once my milk came in that was the end of my career as a dairy cow.

Do you know what I found? I actually LIKED her. Women talk about bonding through breastfeeding, I felt that I bonded more after I quit. Which makes sense. She was no longer hurting me.

And yet still, I feel guilty. Particularly now that I stay at home. Every can of formula I buy hits me twice where it hurts. I'm spending money I didn't make and I failed to provide nourishment for my daughter.

Here's my advice to pregnant or one day pregnant women:
- DO NOT read "Working Mother, Nursing Mother." You will find yourself screaming at the author "Where the hell is your husband and why is he not helping out?!?"
- Pumping with colostrum does not yield desired results. It does not mean that your boobs are the breastal equivalent of the Sahara.
- For me at least, breastfeeding was a lot more painful and a lot more difficult than natural childbirth.
- It is not an all or nothing proposition. You can breastfeed and supplement with formula or formula feed and supplement with breast milk. I think if someone had told me that I would still be nursing today.
- Breastfeeding is natural. But what you have to remember that there are two people trying to make it work. And, like a marriage, you both have to be working at it for it to succeed.
- If you decide that it is not for you, DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! The best nourishment for babies is your love and attention. To hell with boob v. bottle.

PS- I know I'm going to get a lot of "you're a great mom, yada, yada yada." I know I am. And I think if I decided to re-lactate that I wouldn't have what it takes to do it successfully. I feel guilty about a lot of things. This is just one of them.