Dear unpregnant lady:
I hate you. Ok, that was harsh, let me rephrase, I hate what I imagine your life to be like. Let me give you a synopsis.
You awaken from a full nights sleep that was uninterrupted by frequent bathroom breaks and waking up on your back unable to breathe. You have no problems getting out of bed. You pour yourself a cup of hot coffee. Perhaps you have two or three cups. You are not bothered by the caffeine content.
You go take a hot shower. You do not have to practice complex yoga moves in a small confined space in order to shave your legs. You get dressed in pants that have zippers and buttons. You do not require assistance to put on your shoes.
You accompany your family out to breakfast. You do not worry too much about the nutritional content of what you order. Perhaps you enjoy another cup of coffee.
Next you and your family go run some errands, perhaps to a store. If you find cute clothes, you can try them on and buy them. It does not hurt your hips to walk around. You don't have to lean on the buggy for "support." At the grocery store you select a nice bottle of red to pair with your dinner. No one laughs at you for "waddling." You do not feel like taking a nap after being gone for two hours.
At home you do the laundry with ease. You do not have to ask your husband for assistance in getting up off the floor. Your stomach does not get in the way of emptying the dishwasher. You can be with your family as they paint your stepchild's room because, hey, who cares if you smell the paint fumes? Also, the stairs do not seem daunting.
You get to put your Halloween candy in whatever bowl you damn well please because your husband is not worried about it being too heavy.
You are not too tired to cook dinner for the third night in a row. You are able to prepare nutritious homemade meals for your family.
With your nutritious dinner, you think nothing of downing half or a full bottle of wine because, you know, it's your body.
After dinner, perhaps you and your husband go out to a bar where you drink more alcohol. Maybe you even get drunk. Your husband actually wants to slow dance with you, instead of saying, "Baby, your stomach is too big."
Maybe your life is not like that. Maybe it is. All I'm sayin' is that I see you, and your cute little fall outfit and I want to trip you.
On the bright side, you don't get to park in the "expectant moms" parking spot. Or as I like to call it, the "angry pregnant b!tches" parking.
This is almost my life, with the exceptions of: I'm sensitive to caffeine and have to drink decaf, I DO worry about the nutritional content of food I eat, and I don't drink much (or any) wine that is not in the form of sangria. Oh, and I don't have a husband. Other than that, yeah, my life is good. :-) You know though, you have no one to blame but yourself & said husband for your condition...I mean, you ARE familiar w/ contraception, right? :-P Stop taking out your frustration at yourself on the rest of us. It's not my fault you won't sleep a full night for the next 5-6 yrs (or 18...considering the whole dating phase). Ah yes, it IS good to be unpregnant. :-D Sucks to be you.
ReplyDelete(MUWAHAHAHA!! Sorry, I just had to be obnoxious to you. You just made it so EASY.) :-P Even if you don't register, I am still buying and shipping cute girly stuff to you!! Hang in there, it will be over before you know it, and then you'll have an adorable little girl you wouldn't trade for the world! For that, I am indeed jealous. :-)