And it came to pass.....

AKA the labor and delivery story AKA going from 4cm to baby in 3 hours

Monday December 7: Worked a long day. I had texted a friend to have coffee the next day "provided I don't go into labor, haha." Oh, how smug I was with my "maybe a fingertip dilated" diagnosis from last week.
Around 9:30 I started feeling crampy, like before you get your Monthly Friend. I decided to not tell E about the contractions, figuring this might be the last night of decent sleep we would get for the next 18 years.

Contract throughout the night.

Tuesday December 8: E's alarm goes off and I advise him that he might not want to go to work because I'm contracting. He calls my parents and they make arrangements to come on down.

We go back to sleep.

We wake up, go to breakfast, and then go to Wally World to finish up Christmas shopping for S. When we get back I go lay down. My mom and stepdad arrive. E decides to start timing contractions.

Ok, timing contractions, majorly annoying. I really just wanted to contract in peace. E, however thought it would be "fun" to see if they slowed down or changed in any way if I stood, walked around, etc. I thought a punch to the throat would be fun.

We ate lunch and then walked around the mall. Then it was back home for more rest. All the while, timing the contractions.

Around 7:30 things started to get More Painful. My stepdad was watching Faux News and it was irritating the mess out of me. Think Bill O. is annoying? Try Bill while in labor. Finally around 9:30 it was time to go to the birthing center.

Normally it takes 10 minutes to get to the center. SOMEONE forgot how to get there and it took 20. Seriously, I was reconsidering the throat punch. We get there and I get checked out. 4 cm dilated. I got an Evening Primrose Oil pill put you-know-where to hopefully speed things along.

Then things got going pretty fast. I was walking and contracting. At one point I was briefly on the birthing ball but that hurt too damn much.

Somehow, I went from "almost 4" to "7 or 8" in about an hour and a half. Then the baby's heart rate dropped so I got some pills under the tounge and oxygen. They speculate it dropped due to my dilating so fast.

The good news was I could get in the tub. At this point things were very painful. I wanted to lay down and just not move but I knew that would make things more painful. The best way for me to get through the contractions was on all fours. Soon enough I felt this extreme urge to push.

Now let me explain the urge to push. This is the most primal thing I have ever felt in my entire life. I could not stop myself. In fact, if someone had told me to stop, I probably would have punched them, literally. Sure enough, I was 10 cm.

As I was lying on my side, pushing in the tub I felt this gush come out. I yelled "Oh my God, what the hell was that?" Apparently it was my water breaking. Finally.

So I pushed in the tub for a while until it got too hot so I sat on this primal looking birthing stool. Gravity on my side! It was at this point a thought crossed my mind, "Ok, I could use a Little Something to take the edge off, not necessarily an epidural but like an Advil or a shot of Vodka or something. Sh!t, it's too late for that isn't it?"

A little after midnight, she came out into the world. With a giant shock of dark hair. She was caught by E and then handed to me where I promptly introduced myself. Yes, the first words I said to my daughter were "Hi, I'm your mommy. I'm sorry about all the caffeine I drank." E reassured me that she had 10 fingers and toes. She had a very healthy cry. My mom, for her birthday, got to cut the cord. Which wasn't gross at all. At least from my perspective.

I couldn't believe I had done it naturally. I couldn't believe that she was mine to get to take home, love, protect, and raise.

Then it was time to deliver the placenta. What?!? We're not done yet? That hurt a little. The midwife gave me a brief tutorial about it (it looks like it does in your mind, no need to google it) and once again asked me if we wanted to bring it home. To which E replied "Oh, God no."

Afterwards, they examined the baby, who was perfectly healthy and me, who had a small first degree tear and needed two stitches. We then worked on nursing (another post for another day), ate some iHop chocolate chip pancakes, drank some Gatorade, took a short nappy and had an herbal bath together. Once I could prove that I could pee (harder than it sounds, again, another post for another day), we got to go home. 6 hours after delivery.

Would I do it again? Maybe. I really enjoyed just being able to listen to my body, move around freely, eat and drink (of course) while in labor. I also really loved the individual care that I felt I got by using the birthing center.

Would I recommend it? Only to women who were planning natural labor anyways. And wanted to know about my experience. Because nobody likes a birth nazi.