I know that this blog is not typically based on The Serious. In my opinion, life is too full of The Serious and sometimes we just need a laugh.
That being said, here is a post on The Serious.
People ask me if I'm nervous about giving birth. I'm not, actually.
I am afraid of maternity leave. There, I said it.
I envy a male co-worker of mine who recently became a father. His daughter was born on a Tuesday and he was back at work on Monday. Why don't I get to do that?? I've never taken this much time off from work before. I feel guilty about taking a week off for vacation.
I worry about not leaving things in a neat little bow for the person covering my caseload. I worry about what my cases will look like when I return (This is legit. I got cases from this person previously that were a mess). Eight weeks is a long time in the life of a case.
What if I hate being at home all day with the baby? What if I love it? I still have student loans to pay...
I wonder which of my co-worker friends will have moved on during my time of absence. They are one of the reasons I enjoy my work. Sometimes the only reason.
I'm terrified of being left alone with the tiny baby that's been hanging out with me all day everyday for the past 9 months.
I worry that E will get mad at me if he doesn't come home to a hot meal, cold beer, and a clean home every night.
Postpartum depression scares the s*it out of me. As does colic, dropping the baby, reflux, and being a failure at breastfeeding.
What if the baby doesn't like me??
I think what I'm afraid of most is it being different when I return to work. I can no longer be all about my career, I apparently must be all about my baby. This is going to be quite a shift for me, I'm not sure I'm ready.
I have no clue what I'm doing here. And reading books makes me nervous. I know I have E who has done this before but I keep thinking that I'm missing something here, some kind of "mothering gene."
I'm now starting to fully realize the pressure that women are under these days.
How can I do well in my non 8-5 career and still keep my family my top priority?
Is it time to give up on the State Run Organization??
My darling daughter, what you are experiencing is NORMAL. I know you don't like being normal, but there you have it. I understand your fear about taking care of her. When I brought you home from the hospital I sat on the bed with you and cried, because I didn't have a clue how to take care of a baby. I expected you to die just like all the house plants I ever tried to take care of. As for your mothering gene, it's hard to completely love someone you have not yet met. But the second you meet her, your life will have a new center of its universe. And you need to talk to Eric now about your and his expectations regarding meals, clean house, etc. I made the mistake of thinking the same thing and used to cook dinner while holding you on my hip. Stupid. We should have had sandwiches. And I didn't work. Once Audrey is here it will become clear to you what is best for her, for you, and for your family. I am constantly praying for you. And I am praying that Jesus becomes important to you as well. Audrey needs to know Him. I love you and am more proud of you than you could know. You are my daughter, who 27 years ago changed the center of my own universe.
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BTW, I vote "yes" on giving up the State Run Institution.
ReplyDeleteoops, organization
ReplyDeleteAll of these thoughts scare me too....although the actual giving birth thing terrifies me most. What if the baby has a problem and dies? What if it is born with a serious condition or deformity? What if I completely suck at being a mother? How can I continue to exercise and work while raising a helpless baby without farming it out to some daycare? What if someone hurts my child? My GOD parenting is scary! I am so glad I have friends who have gone through it before me, so I can turn to them when I need help. I just keep thinking of an acquaintance who got pregnant when we were in 9th gr. She now has 2 beautiful daughters, is married, and works. Her mother just died too, and yet Jennifer survives. I figure if she could face being a mom at 14, I can face it as an adult. I won't be perfect, and neither will you, but we will do our best. Heck, who knows if I can even HAVE children? My mom had so much trouble, it worries me. What if I lose a baby? What if I lose 2 babies and miscarry another just like my mom? How could I bear it? Frankly, how did my mom bear it? I have been thinking about children a lot, since SO MANY friends were/are pregnant or have kids. I guess my clock is ticking, but I can't even find a decent man! Girl, I'm just as scared as you, but you pulled through all those hours of labor, and you will survive the parenting too! I have learned a lot by watching my best friend (and her husband) raise their 2 kids. Some days you want to scream and sell the kids to the circus....other days you melt to bits when they tell you they love you and snuggle up to you as you read them a bedtime story. You will learn as you go....and it will all be worth it when you see what an intelligent, beautiful young lady you have raised. You done good ;-)
ReplyDeleteI love your blog. Just want to let you know. I cried when I read this. Because I went through the same thing....twice....and you would think after having one child you would be a professional mother and the second one would come easily. Guess again. The same fears exist with child #2. Welcome to the world of always being afraid and paranoid in all matters regarding your children for as long as you live. I still go in and check on my 5 year old at night while she sleeps. That being said, parenting is the absolute most fulfilling aspect of my life...aside from my work in family law. So we share a common bond. All the best to you and your handsome step-son and gorgeous baby girl!
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