The Post Partum Pee

Whew. Things are getting entirely too serious around here, we need a laugh. And since there's no Ouiser Boudreaux around here to slap, we can talk about peeing!

Did you know that soon after birth your uterus shrinks back to where it was when when you were 20 weeks pregnant?

Did you also know that a full bladder can impede this process?

Which brings us to the post partum pee, the downside of being able to drink while in labor.

Soon after giving birth I was also given another present. A squeeze bottle (ok, they call it a Peri-Bottle. I call it the Rick Perry bottle for no apparent reason.) and instructed to go pee. So I go to the toilet (there's a toilet in both of the birthing rooms), sit down, and....... Nothing. A whole 10 minutes of nothing.

So next I am invited to pee in the tub. I agree, mostly to get to sit in the tub again (it was nice). And again, nothing. A whole 15 minutes of nothing.

At this point the midwife asks me if I pee in the shower. I gave her the side eye.

Eventually, I did pee. And continue to do so. However, now it takes a lot longer.

1. Make sure baby is occupied. Either by sleep or by husband.
2. Turn on warm water.
3. Wait.
4. Fill up bottle with warm water. Test on wrist*.
5. Grab mattress sized feminine hygiene product**.
6. Sit down.
7. Try to relax.
8. Pee.
9. Squeeze warm water on you-know-where.
10. Pat dry with tp.
11. Pat self on back for remembering to pat and not wipe***.
12.Change mattress sized feminine hygiene product.
13. Wash hands (duh).

And it takes even longer for the number two. Which is even scarier.

* Hot water you-know-where: OUCH!
** Remember that whole 9 month no Monthly Friend thing? Your body makes up for it in one six to eight week span. You're welcome.
*** Wiping: OUCH!